Fox's popular reality cooking competition show, Hell's Kitchen, starring the usually profane superstar chef Gordon Ramsay, returns tonight at 8 p.m. Eastern. In its honor, because it is profoundly silly, we offer this profoundly silly tribute.

To be, or not to be, you [bleep]ing donkey: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The utter [bleep] of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a [bleep]ing dog's dinner,
And by opposing end it? To burn: to scald;
No more; and by a simmer to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That a simple [bleep]ing garnish is heir to, 'tis a consomme
Devoutly to be wish'd. To braise; to sear;
To sear: perchance to make a simple [bleep]ing salad: ay, there's the rub;
For in that salad what hair may be found
When you have bent over the plate with your [bleep]ing sweaty face,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes a [bleep]ing disaster of a piece of salmon;
For who would bear the pink beef (IT'S NOT COOKED!),
The returned pasta, the proud man's broken sauce,
The pangs of food poisoning, the appetizer's delay,
The insolence of [spits out rest of sentence into trashcan]
That the angry cameraman into the freezer takes,
When he himself might identify soy sauce
With a blindfold on? Why are you standing over the soup,
To grunt and sweat and stick your [bleep]ing filthy fingers in it,
But that the promise of being a meaningless figurehead in my fabulous Las Vegas restaurant,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, is [bleep-bleep]
And makes us rather eat a plate of sheep [bleep]
Than feed anyone this overcooked risotto?
Thus an idiot does make pea soup that looks like dog vomit;
And has the native hue of seaweed
I'm sicklied o'er every time I look at this [bleep]ing scallop,
And enterprises of great [bleep] and [bleep]
With this [bleep]ing [bleep] their currants turn to [bleep],
And lose the [bleep]ing [bleep].--GET OUT!
Madam! Take off your jacket
And leave Hamlet's kitchen.

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